I know miss Taylor Swift gets a lot of flack for her music, but this song in particular rings so true for me. Especially as I am coming up on my 10 month anniversary of being free. . . not just free, but "clean". It's such a profound way to describe it, getting clean of the love of an abuser. Anyone who has been in love with someone who is an abuser can relate to the very addicting elixir of "love" provided by him/her. The reason why I will NEVER judge anyone who stays with an abuser, is because I have experienced just how powerful this love elixir is. Psychologically, it's incredibly difficult and painful to break free from the "love" of an abuser. Staying with one is equally difficult and painful. However, once you get clean, you realize nothing in the world is worth going back. The high, the love, the all powerful elixir has lost it's hold forever. Reaching this point- the point of being clean, is so refreshing. So, thank you Miss Swift for your beautiful voice singing these words which sooth my aching heart.
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean
There was nothing left to do
When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
Said I think I am finally clean
10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
10 months older, I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And by morning gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
Finally clean
Think I'm finally clean
Think I'm finally clean
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
How did I get here?
So, it's been nearly 6 months since my last post.
I wish that I had done a better job of documenting my journey along the way, but I simply haven't had the time or the energy to devote to such an endeavor.
A lot has happened since my last post- a court order and stipulation was filed bringing a small sense of certainty and closure to my journey through divorce and custody battle. I won't bore you with the details, but one of the toughest things about it was realizing that others would have a different perception of what happened in the courtroom that day. I've been accused of downright lies while a totally different reality is perpetrated. I debated whether or not to use this post as a platform to defend myself, however I realized that I simply don't need to.
This brings me to the best lesson I have learned so far in my journey as a single mother:
The painstaking, SLOW lesson of not taking EVERYTHING that others say and do to heart.
Gosh, it sounds so incredibly simple, doesn't it? Well, if you're a highly sensitive/empathetic individual like myself, you know all too well how difficult it is to not feel EVERYTHING. Before I fool you into thinking I've somehow managed to overcome this and live happily ever after, please be assured that this is not the case. Not even close!
All of the above being said, I can assure you though that it HAS gotten easier. It's been a slow and painful process, but well worth it. In days gone by, I would have hated to admit that I had learned something valuable from my violent marriage, but I'm finally seeing the gifts it has given me. One of these gifts was the fact I got to slowly practice having a strong sense of self- one that could withstand extreme brutality. The more I realized that how others treated me was a reflection of THEIR inner state of being- NOT MINE- the more strength I gained, peace I felt.
First, awareness. Becoming aware that we all choose how to express our feelings. I used to think we could choose how we feel, make ourselves feel better, choose to be positive. While it's certainly an excellent skill to see life in a more positive light, being overdone, it can cause us to avoid feeling the hurt and the pain and the sadness and the grief that life brings. Unfortunately, avoiding all these "negative" feelings does not make them disappear. I certainly found that the more I avoided the devastating pain that lapped at my heels, the more difficult it was for me to process life, interact with others, face challenges, see others behavior as something separate that I didn't need to take incredibly personally. I was highly sensitive, quick to lash out, and hurting. Of course, I have't fully overcome any of this, nor has life gotten any less painful. Life hasn't really gotten "better" per say, but my acceptance and ability to process my pain has improved significantly, leading to a stronger sense of self and greater compassion for others.
When I realized that I cannot control how I feel, but I CAN control how I express it, it became clear that this was true for others. I cannot make others feel a certain way or make them behave a certain way- not by being pleasant or submissive or cordial. . . even my irritable and dark moments did not "make" anyone around me behave or act a certain way. Life is happening all around us, good, bad, neutral. Feelings come and go- but how we choose to act is in our power. On the other side of this, others can choose how they are going to act and I am not responsible for their feelings or their choice of actions.
When I began to spend time finding out WHY I would feel the way I did, I often realized it came from a belief or hurt I'd been carrying for a significant amount of time. If someone hurt my feelings, my pain came from something I was ALREADY carrying within- not directly from the other person.
For instance, if someone calls me a bad mother, it only matters if I believe it or not. Am I afraid that I am not a good mother? Is it something I devote thought to, strive to achieve? Do I doubt myself? Do I worry that I will fail at being a good mother? Which brings me to: Is that statement what's causing my pain? Or rather- my own doubts, fears, and worries? If I don't agree with the statement, if I don't believe it, all power is lost. It might as well be the statement "your skin is blue." and I have no reason to waste my time trying to explain why my skin is, in fact, not blue. I have no reason to be upset- I know it isn't true. I have no doubt that it isn't true. The person who said the statement has their own reasons for thinking my skin is blue, but- to put it plainly: that's their own issue.
The freedom that comes when you realize you don't need to defend yourself- it's amazing. Of course, I often need reminders. I have many hurts, trauma, fears, worries, and insecurities that I carry within myself. We all do. Without careful thought and attention, we won't even realize where this pain is coming from. In our hurry to be happy and positive all of the time we don't take a second to stop and really work though where the icky feelings come from and how they are driving us to behave.
As I said, awareness is the first step. I am aware that I carry pain within myself- when I feel it bubbling up, I have learned to stop and ask myself: why do I feel this way? By slowly practicing this, it gradually becomes a habit. The more frequently I am able to take a step back and ask myself WHY I feel like I need to defend, defend, defend. . . the more I am able to see my own hurts, fears, insecurity, and pain that needs tending to. The more I am able to accept that the behavior of others ALSO comes from their inner hurts, fears, and insecurities, the less I absorb the hurtful nature of their behavior.
Or course, none of this is to say that by simply understanding that someone's behavior is their own choice means that I have to accept it- I don't. The point is, I don't need to defend myself. To react. If I find that I don't want to be around that behavior, I have the choice to peacefully broach the subject or gracefully disengage. The choice is always mine.
To be continued. . .
I wish that I had done a better job of documenting my journey along the way, but I simply haven't had the time or the energy to devote to such an endeavor.
A lot has happened since my last post- a court order and stipulation was filed bringing a small sense of certainty and closure to my journey through divorce and custody battle. I won't bore you with the details, but one of the toughest things about it was realizing that others would have a different perception of what happened in the courtroom that day. I've been accused of downright lies while a totally different reality is perpetrated. I debated whether or not to use this post as a platform to defend myself, however I realized that I simply don't need to.
This brings me to the best lesson I have learned so far in my journey as a single mother:
The painstaking, SLOW lesson of not taking EVERYTHING that others say and do to heart.
Gosh, it sounds so incredibly simple, doesn't it? Well, if you're a highly sensitive/empathetic individual like myself, you know all too well how difficult it is to not feel EVERYTHING. Before I fool you into thinking I've somehow managed to overcome this and live happily ever after, please be assured that this is not the case. Not even close!
All of the above being said, I can assure you though that it HAS gotten easier. It's been a slow and painful process, but well worth it. In days gone by, I would have hated to admit that I had learned something valuable from my violent marriage, but I'm finally seeing the gifts it has given me. One of these gifts was the fact I got to slowly practice having a strong sense of self- one that could withstand extreme brutality. The more I realized that how others treated me was a reflection of THEIR inner state of being- NOT MINE- the more strength I gained, peace I felt.
First, awareness. Becoming aware that we all choose how to express our feelings. I used to think we could choose how we feel, make ourselves feel better, choose to be positive. While it's certainly an excellent skill to see life in a more positive light, being overdone, it can cause us to avoid feeling the hurt and the pain and the sadness and the grief that life brings. Unfortunately, avoiding all these "negative" feelings does not make them disappear. I certainly found that the more I avoided the devastating pain that lapped at my heels, the more difficult it was for me to process life, interact with others, face challenges, see others behavior as something separate that I didn't need to take incredibly personally. I was highly sensitive, quick to lash out, and hurting. Of course, I have't fully overcome any of this, nor has life gotten any less painful. Life hasn't really gotten "better" per say, but my acceptance and ability to process my pain has improved significantly, leading to a stronger sense of self and greater compassion for others.
When I realized that I cannot control how I feel, but I CAN control how I express it, it became clear that this was true for others. I cannot make others feel a certain way or make them behave a certain way- not by being pleasant or submissive or cordial. . . even my irritable and dark moments did not "make" anyone around me behave or act a certain way. Life is happening all around us, good, bad, neutral. Feelings come and go- but how we choose to act is in our power. On the other side of this, others can choose how they are going to act and I am not responsible for their feelings or their choice of actions.
When I began to spend time finding out WHY I would feel the way I did, I often realized it came from a belief or hurt I'd been carrying for a significant amount of time. If someone hurt my feelings, my pain came from something I was ALREADY carrying within- not directly from the other person.
For instance, if someone calls me a bad mother, it only matters if I believe it or not. Am I afraid that I am not a good mother? Is it something I devote thought to, strive to achieve? Do I doubt myself? Do I worry that I will fail at being a good mother? Which brings me to: Is that statement what's causing my pain? Or rather- my own doubts, fears, and worries? If I don't agree with the statement, if I don't believe it, all power is lost. It might as well be the statement "your skin is blue." and I have no reason to waste my time trying to explain why my skin is, in fact, not blue. I have no reason to be upset- I know it isn't true. I have no doubt that it isn't true. The person who said the statement has their own reasons for thinking my skin is blue, but- to put it plainly: that's their own issue.
The freedom that comes when you realize you don't need to defend yourself- it's amazing. Of course, I often need reminders. I have many hurts, trauma, fears, worries, and insecurities that I carry within myself. We all do. Without careful thought and attention, we won't even realize where this pain is coming from. In our hurry to be happy and positive all of the time we don't take a second to stop and really work though where the icky feelings come from and how they are driving us to behave.
As I said, awareness is the first step. I am aware that I carry pain within myself- when I feel it bubbling up, I have learned to stop and ask myself: why do I feel this way? By slowly practicing this, it gradually becomes a habit. The more frequently I am able to take a step back and ask myself WHY I feel like I need to defend, defend, defend. . . the more I am able to see my own hurts, fears, insecurity, and pain that needs tending to. The more I am able to accept that the behavior of others ALSO comes from their inner hurts, fears, and insecurities, the less I absorb the hurtful nature of their behavior.
Or course, none of this is to say that by simply understanding that someone's behavior is their own choice means that I have to accept it- I don't. The point is, I don't need to defend myself. To react. If I find that I don't want to be around that behavior, I have the choice to peacefully broach the subject or gracefully disengage. The choice is always mine.
To be continued. . .
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