How did I get here?

So, it's been nearly 6 months since my last post.

I wish that I had done a better job of documenting my journey along the way, but I simply haven't had the time or the energy to devote to such an endeavor.

A lot has happened since my last post- a court order and stipulation was filed bringing a small sense of certainty and closure to my journey through divorce and custody battle. I won't bore you with the details, but one of the toughest things about it was realizing that others would have a different perception of what happened in the courtroom that day. I've been accused of downright lies while a totally different reality is perpetrated. I debated whether or not to use this post as a platform to defend myself, however I realized that I simply don't need to.

This brings me to the best lesson I have learned so far in my journey as a single mother:

The painstaking, SLOW lesson of not taking EVERYTHING that others say and do to heart.

Gosh, it sounds so incredibly simple, doesn't it? Well, if you're a highly sensitive/empathetic individual like myself, you know all too well how difficult it is to not feel EVERYTHING. Before I fool you into thinking I've somehow managed to overcome this and live happily ever after, please be assured that this is not the case. Not even close!

All of the above being said, I can assure you though that it HAS gotten easier. It's been a slow and painful process, but well worth it. In days gone by, I would have hated to admit that I had learned something valuable from my violent marriage, but I'm finally seeing the gifts it has given me. One of these gifts was the fact I got to slowly practice having a strong sense of self- one that could withstand extreme brutality. The more I realized that how others treated me was a reflection of THEIR inner state of being- NOT MINE- the more strength I gained, peace I felt.

First, awareness. Becoming aware that we all choose how to express our feelings. I used to think we could choose how we feel, make ourselves feel better, choose to be positive. While it's certainly an excellent skill to see life in a more positive light, being overdone, it can cause us to avoid feeling the hurt and the pain and the sadness and the grief that life brings. Unfortunately, avoiding all these "negative" feelings does not make them disappear. I certainly found that the more I avoided the devastating pain that lapped at my heels, the more difficult it was for me to process life, interact with others, face challenges, see others behavior as something separate that I didn't need to take incredibly personally. I was highly sensitive, quick to lash out, and hurting. Of course, I have't fully overcome any of this, nor has life gotten any less painful. Life hasn't really gotten "better" per say, but my acceptance and ability to process my pain has improved significantly, leading to a stronger sense of self and greater compassion for others.

When I realized that I cannot control how I feel, but I CAN control how I express it, it became clear that this was true for others. I cannot make others feel a certain way or make them behave a certain way- not by being pleasant or submissive or cordial. . . even my irritable and dark moments did not "make" anyone around me behave or act a certain way. Life is happening all around us, good, bad, neutral. Feelings come and go- but how we choose to act is in our power. On the other side of this, others can choose how they are going to act and I am not responsible for their feelings or their choice of actions.

When I began to spend time finding out WHY I would feel the way I did, I often realized it came from a belief or hurt I'd been carrying for a significant amount of time. If someone hurt my feelings, my pain came from something I was ALREADY carrying within- not directly from the other person.

For instance, if someone calls me a bad mother, it only matters if I believe it or not. Am I afraid that I am not a good mother? Is it something I devote thought to, strive to achieve? Do I doubt myself? Do I worry that I will fail at being a good mother? Which brings me to: Is that statement what's causing my pain? Or rather- my own doubts, fears, and worries? If I don't agree with the statement, if I don't believe it, all power is lost. It might as well be the statement "your skin is blue." and I have no reason to waste my time trying to explain why my skin is, in fact, not blue. I have no reason to be upset- I know it isn't true. I have no doubt that it isn't true. The person who said the statement has their own reasons for thinking my skin is blue, but- to put it plainly: that's their own issue. 

The freedom that comes when you realize you don't need to defend yourself- it's amazing. Of course, I often need reminders. I have many hurts, trauma, fears, worries, and insecurities that I carry within myself. We all do. Without careful thought and attention, we won't even realize where this pain is coming from. In our hurry to be happy and positive all of the time we don't take a second to stop and really work though where the icky feelings come from and how they are driving us to behave.

As I said, awareness is the first step. I am aware that I carry pain within myself- when I feel it bubbling up, I have learned to stop and ask myself: why do I feel this way? By slowly practicing this, it gradually becomes a habit. The more frequently I am able to take a step back and ask myself WHY I feel like I need to defend, defend, defend. . . the more I am able to see my own hurts, fears, insecurity, and pain that needs tending to. The more I am able to accept that the behavior of others ALSO comes from their inner hurts, fears, and insecurities, the less I absorb the hurtful nature of their behavior.

Or course, none of this is to say that by simply understanding that someone's behavior is their own choice means that I have to accept it- I don't. The point is, I don't need to defend myself. To react. If I find that I don't want to be around that behavior, I have the choice to peacefully broach the subject or gracefully disengage. The choice is always mine.

To be continued. . .

Mother's Day as a single mom

Well it's here- Mother's Day!

My first year doing it all on my own. I've officially been a single mother for 105 days- wow. They've flown by. I've come so far and have so much further to go. 

This has been the best Mother's Day of my motherhood so far. Nothing special really- in fact I did laundry and cleaning the kitchen... And binge watched criminal minds 🙊 just a little. 

I did a small stint as a single mom when my children's father was deployed, but that had an end in sight. And I was receiving love letters, gifts, and words of affirmation along the way. However, I'm realizing now how much that practice has benefitted me. I've got twice the work load, but also the confidence that I CAN DO THIS. 

So here's a few key things that helped make this Mother's Day one of joy and not regret or sadness: 

ACCEPTANCE:

I've accepted the situation that I'm in. I'm a single mother. My children's father frequently skips his visitations and doesn't contribute to their needs financially. But about once a month he whisks them away and showers then with extravagant trips to the zoo, gifts, etc. 

Paying enormous daycare bills, clothes, food, medical needs, potty training, discipline, routines, school functions- all of that rest on my shoulders. I don't expect or anticipate that changing any time soon or perhaps ever. And I've simply accepted it. It is the way it is and being angry, bitter, or outraged isn't going to change it. It's just going to poison ME and create negative misery for me. No thank you. 

So I analyze the situation, and accept it. Now I have nothing to be upset over. No reason to mourn Mother's Day- that my former spouse isn't showing me any appreciation for being the mother to his children. That's not the situation I am in and I am OK with that. So instead of sulking over what I don't have, I'm focusing on what I DO have: 

2 beautiful healthy children 

A strong positive/peaceful discipline strategy that I am now able to consistently implement 

I have set an example for my children that abuse is not tolerated, accepted. At least, not any longer. 

I have a job that I love and live in one of the most desirable areas on the planet. 

I have amazing friends and family 

Now that I'm single, I've been able to reconnect with MY mother on a new level. She's been my rock and greatest encouragement. 

NO EXPECTATIONS

I didn't expect anything out of today. I didn't expect anyone to wish me happy Mother's Day. I didn't expect flowers. I didn't even expect my kids to do anything nice. I just planned to spend the day with them, enjoying being their mother. 

Because of my lack of expectations, every affirmation I did receive was truly and deeply appreciated. The crafts from my kids and flowers from friends were all real treats- unexpected, beautiful treats. 

And so I end this Mother's Day grateful. Grateful for my children. They saved my life and gave me the courage to free myself.


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