"Clean"

I know miss Taylor Swift gets a lot of flack for her music, but this song in particular rings so true for me. Especially as I am coming up on my 10 month anniversary of being free. . . not just free, but "clean". It's such a profound way to describe it, getting clean of the love of an abuser. Anyone who has been in love with someone who is an abuser can relate to the very addicting elixir of "love" provided by him/her. The reason why I will NEVER judge anyone who stays with an abuser, is because I have experienced just how powerful this love elixir is. Psychologically, it's incredibly difficult and painful to break free from the "love" of an abuser.  Staying with one is equally difficult and painful. However, once you get clean, you realize nothing in the world is worth going back. The high, the love, the all powerful elixir has lost it's hold forever. Reaching this point- the point of being clean, is so refreshing. So, thank you Miss Swift for your beautiful voice singing these words which sooth my aching heart.

The drought was the very worst When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst It was months, and months of back and forth You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean There was nothing left to do When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room So I punched a hole in the roof Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean I think I am finally clean Said I think I am finally clean 10 months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it 10 months older, I won't give in Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it The drought was the very worst When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you I think I am finally clean Finally clean Think I'm finally clean Think I'm finally clean

How did I get here?

So, it's been nearly 6 months since my last post.

I wish that I had done a better job of documenting my journey along the way, but I simply haven't had the time or the energy to devote to such an endeavor.

A lot has happened since my last post- a court order and stipulation was filed bringing a small sense of certainty and closure to my journey through divorce and custody battle. I won't bore you with the details, but one of the toughest things about it was realizing that others would have a different perception of what happened in the courtroom that day. I've been accused of downright lies while a totally different reality is perpetrated. I debated whether or not to use this post as a platform to defend myself, however I realized that I simply don't need to.

This brings me to the best lesson I have learned so far in my journey as a single mother:

The painstaking, SLOW lesson of not taking EVERYTHING that others say and do to heart.

Gosh, it sounds so incredibly simple, doesn't it? Well, if you're a highly sensitive/empathetic individual like myself, you know all too well how difficult it is to not feel EVERYTHING. Before I fool you into thinking I've somehow managed to overcome this and live happily ever after, please be assured that this is not the case. Not even close!

All of the above being said, I can assure you though that it HAS gotten easier. It's been a slow and painful process, but well worth it. In days gone by, I would have hated to admit that I had learned something valuable from my violent marriage, but I'm finally seeing the gifts it has given me. One of these gifts was the fact I got to slowly practice having a strong sense of self- one that could withstand extreme brutality. The more I realized that how others treated me was a reflection of THEIR inner state of being- NOT MINE- the more strength I gained, peace I felt.

First, awareness. Becoming aware that we all choose how to express our feelings. I used to think we could choose how we feel, make ourselves feel better, choose to be positive. While it's certainly an excellent skill to see life in a more positive light, being overdone, it can cause us to avoid feeling the hurt and the pain and the sadness and the grief that life brings. Unfortunately, avoiding all these "negative" feelings does not make them disappear. I certainly found that the more I avoided the devastating pain that lapped at my heels, the more difficult it was for me to process life, interact with others, face challenges, see others behavior as something separate that I didn't need to take incredibly personally. I was highly sensitive, quick to lash out, and hurting. Of course, I have't fully overcome any of this, nor has life gotten any less painful. Life hasn't really gotten "better" per say, but my acceptance and ability to process my pain has improved significantly, leading to a stronger sense of self and greater compassion for others.

When I realized that I cannot control how I feel, but I CAN control how I express it, it became clear that this was true for others. I cannot make others feel a certain way or make them behave a certain way- not by being pleasant or submissive or cordial. . . even my irritable and dark moments did not "make" anyone around me behave or act a certain way. Life is happening all around us, good, bad, neutral. Feelings come and go- but how we choose to act is in our power. On the other side of this, others can choose how they are going to act and I am not responsible for their feelings or their choice of actions.

When I began to spend time finding out WHY I would feel the way I did, I often realized it came from a belief or hurt I'd been carrying for a significant amount of time. If someone hurt my feelings, my pain came from something I was ALREADY carrying within- not directly from the other person.

For instance, if someone calls me a bad mother, it only matters if I believe it or not. Am I afraid that I am not a good mother? Is it something I devote thought to, strive to achieve? Do I doubt myself? Do I worry that I will fail at being a good mother? Which brings me to: Is that statement what's causing my pain? Or rather- my own doubts, fears, and worries? If I don't agree with the statement, if I don't believe it, all power is lost. It might as well be the statement "your skin is blue." and I have no reason to waste my time trying to explain why my skin is, in fact, not blue. I have no reason to be upset- I know it isn't true. I have no doubt that it isn't true. The person who said the statement has their own reasons for thinking my skin is blue, but- to put it plainly: that's their own issue. 

The freedom that comes when you realize you don't need to defend yourself- it's amazing. Of course, I often need reminders. I have many hurts, trauma, fears, worries, and insecurities that I carry within myself. We all do. Without careful thought and attention, we won't even realize where this pain is coming from. In our hurry to be happy and positive all of the time we don't take a second to stop and really work though where the icky feelings come from and how they are driving us to behave.

As I said, awareness is the first step. I am aware that I carry pain within myself- when I feel it bubbling up, I have learned to stop and ask myself: why do I feel this way? By slowly practicing this, it gradually becomes a habit. The more frequently I am able to take a step back and ask myself WHY I feel like I need to defend, defend, defend. . . the more I am able to see my own hurts, fears, insecurity, and pain that needs tending to. The more I am able to accept that the behavior of others ALSO comes from their inner hurts, fears, and insecurities, the less I absorb the hurtful nature of their behavior.

Or course, none of this is to say that by simply understanding that someone's behavior is their own choice means that I have to accept it- I don't. The point is, I don't need to defend myself. To react. If I find that I don't want to be around that behavior, I have the choice to peacefully broach the subject or gracefully disengage. The choice is always mine.

To be continued. . .

Mother's Day as a single mom

Well it's here- Mother's Day!

My first year doing it all on my own. I've officially been a single mother for 105 days- wow. They've flown by. I've come so far and have so much further to go. 

This has been the best Mother's Day of my motherhood so far. Nothing special really- in fact I did laundry and cleaning the kitchen... And binge watched criminal minds 🙊 just a little. 

I did a small stint as a single mom when my children's father was deployed, but that had an end in sight. And I was receiving love letters, gifts, and words of affirmation along the way. However, I'm realizing now how much that practice has benefitted me. I've got twice the work load, but also the confidence that I CAN DO THIS. 

So here's a few key things that helped make this Mother's Day one of joy and not regret or sadness: 

ACCEPTANCE:

I've accepted the situation that I'm in. I'm a single mother. My children's father frequently skips his visitations and doesn't contribute to their needs financially. But about once a month he whisks them away and showers then with extravagant trips to the zoo, gifts, etc. 

Paying enormous daycare bills, clothes, food, medical needs, potty training, discipline, routines, school functions- all of that rest on my shoulders. I don't expect or anticipate that changing any time soon or perhaps ever. And I've simply accepted it. It is the way it is and being angry, bitter, or outraged isn't going to change it. It's just going to poison ME and create negative misery for me. No thank you. 

So I analyze the situation, and accept it. Now I have nothing to be upset over. No reason to mourn Mother's Day- that my former spouse isn't showing me any appreciation for being the mother to his children. That's not the situation I am in and I am OK with that. So instead of sulking over what I don't have, I'm focusing on what I DO have: 

2 beautiful healthy children 

A strong positive/peaceful discipline strategy that I am now able to consistently implement 

I have set an example for my children that abuse is not tolerated, accepted. At least, not any longer. 

I have a job that I love and live in one of the most desirable areas on the planet. 

I have amazing friends and family 

Now that I'm single, I've been able to reconnect with MY mother on a new level. She's been my rock and greatest encouragement. 

NO EXPECTATIONS

I didn't expect anything out of today. I didn't expect anyone to wish me happy Mother's Day. I didn't expect flowers. I didn't even expect my kids to do anything nice. I just planned to spend the day with them, enjoying being their mother. 

Because of my lack of expectations, every affirmation I did receive was truly and deeply appreciated. The crafts from my kids and flowers from friends were all real treats- unexpected, beautiful treats. 

And so I end this Mother's Day grateful. Grateful for my children. They saved my life and gave me the courage to free myself.


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Therapy

I'm sitting at my local women's resource center waiting for my therapy appointment. I've arrived early so thought I would use this extra time to begin a new post.

This isn't my first time in therapy- but this time I'm not here in utter desperation. Well- sort of, but it isn't like the other times. 

I grew up believing that "Counselling" was something you got from your pastor, depression was spiritual, modern psychology was an invention of Satan, and prayer solved all mental health issues. 

Then in 2009 as a brand new mother suffering from postpartum depression I experienced heart break, betrayal, and an escalation in physical abuse towards me. 

I remember sitting in the counselors office: he seemed confused that we were there because neither of us had much to say other than "we fight sometimes". So he vaguely went over some communication techniques for relationships and we went from there. 

Finally in the third session I was brave enough to speak up about the suspicious sexual behavior my husband had been exhibiting with other women. He had denied anything physical ("just" romantic/digital) despite evidence to the contrary, told me I was psycho and crazy - paranoid and jealous and that he never wanted to discuss the topic again. So needless to say his reaction when I brought it up in therapy was unpleasant to say the least. He snapped off at the therapist- then stood up demanding that we leave. So we did. 

A few years later, after my husband had returned from deployment, I was threatened with divorce (a common occurrence during arguments) if I didn't "get us help"

Once again I found a therapist. Like the first one, she was very vague. 

I kept trying to speak up- I kept trying to explain the mood swings, the violence inflicted on me and around me, the shaming, swearing, belittling, and name calling... All which coexisted with professions of undying love, seduction, unending compliments of my beauty and character... I didn't know which version was truth and what was reality. 

I struggled to explain what I was experiencing and she simply gave vague statements about people "feeling different" when they're angry. About the only good she did is when she told my husband that his telling me I was "just like" my crazy grandfather who was been in the psych ward repeatedly, attempted suicide, struggles with debilitating depression and various personality disorders so on and so forth- was "below the belt" and that he shouldn't have said it. 

I became so frustrated with her complacency that I refused to return and never did. 

Despite these terrible experiences, in 2013 another terrible bought of postpartum depression had been triggered shortly after the birth of my second child. I had done all I could to prevent it, talked to my doctor, exercised daily... But what I wasn't expecting was my husband to suddenly confess to his "indiscretions" from 2009. I was horrified. Who was this person? How could he lie to me for so many years? Wait! So I was right all along? 

I felt manipulated. I felt trapped. I had wasted years on this person, was tricked into having another children with him- further cementing my ties to him. I had been suspicious, but was convinced that I was the crazy one. Now I found out that not only was I right, but he was capable of keeping dark secrets for years.

No amount of exercise could fight the wave of depression that hit me. I could hardly get out of bed to go to work. I felt dead inside.

My OBs office prescribed me a mild anti depressant and sent me to a therapist. Because I was suffering postpartum, the county had a program that allowed me access to pro bono individual and group therapy.

That therapist saved my life. Not right then, but later on.

Talking to her was like talking to a friend. Finally I felt comfortable enough to tell someone everything. Well, almost everything. It wasn't until months later that I would finally reveal my deepest secrets to her. In the meantime, I met with her weekly and learned to think differently. I made new memories and pathways in my brain to coexist alongside the painful ones- the memories of processing through my difficult emotions with the help of a trained professional, who cared and genuinely wanted to help me.

She taught me that I didn't need to decide the rest of my life right then and there. It was OK to not know exactly what I wanted. If I wanted to stay married or not. That I could commit to each day and trust my inner self. She taught me to trust me gut (which had been right all along). She taught me to accept and love myself as I was.

Because of the marital issues, she even did a few sessions with my husband and I- which was extremely helpful. She explained to him that he needed to come clean and not "confess" any more atrocities because of it's detrimental impact on myself and the marriage. He agreed, he swore that there were no more "confessions" lurking.

Part of me regrets the fact that things got better with the help of that therapist- because of it I re committed to the marriage and made further financial entanglements with him- buying our first home. The 50 foot yacht named "Destiny".

But then I think of all the good that came of that. The experience of living on the yacht, moving to southern California- none of that would have been possible if things hadn't gotten better. And although there were about to get much- MUCH worse- perhaps there was a purpose in the timing. My heart wasn't ready. My mind wasn't ready. But things were starting to shift, largely due in part to have a truly helpful therapist who helped me think differently.

A few weeks after we started life on our new home, I got another "confession". The traumatic but disguised as "heroic" story I had been told before about what happened in 2009 (and doubted) came crumbling to pieces. I'll have to write more on that later, but suffice to say my ability to trust and believe ANYTHING this man had to say was forever destroyed. My brain could not comprehend the information it was processing. There was simply no way the love of my life, my dear sweet husband, was capable of such atrocities- blaming me for them, lying to me for years, and then lying to the therapist who tried to help us overcome it. Who was he? How could he? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TWICE?! 

It was then I contacted my former therapist who had helped me through postpartum depression. It was then I finally admitted what was going on. I admitted the violence I was enduring. I tried to rationalize it, I tried to downplay my fears. But she knew exactly what to say. She didn't push me to leave, but she helped me create a safety plan and encouraged me to continue therapy with a local provider and armed me with resources. It was that same safety plan which I executed the day I left and filed a restraining order, which is why I credit her with saving my life. She knew that telling me to leave wouldn't get me to do it. She knew my safety and my children's safety was the highest priority and that by focusing on that, and continuing to build my inner strength, that I would leave if I needed to. And I did.

From there we continued to work on our relationship with local programs and therapists through various military resources. Learned some amazing skills and again- things got better. But worse at the same time.

My husbands instability continued spiraling out of control. He was hospitalized but I had the best attitude I could- I really thought this was a huge breakthrough. He would finally get better- and that meant that the kids and I could be safe.

I got myself a penthouse suite in the hope hotel. I really thought we could make it. But you see I had made a promise to myself- that if he became violent again that I would leave. I kept that promise, but that's another post for another day.

So today, I sat in the waiting room at my local women's resource center waiting to meet my new therapist. Excited and relieved.

The session went well. She basically just listened to me tell the short version of my story- complete with an abundance of rabbit trails. But she said something that seems so simple yet made a huge impact on me. . .

What you are experiencing and feeling is a normal reaction to what you have been through. 

It seems silly- that something so simple and so obvious could be so powerful. Why bother going to therapy to hear the obvious?

Well, because it makes a difference. It's a specific time for me to talk about whatever I need to, to receive feedback- no matter how obvious- and work on building those new memories and pathways. To process through my own mind and thoughts as I accept my experiences and move forward.

So here's a few key lessons when it comes to therapy:

Finding the right therapist is a MUST. If you aren't comfortable, it's not "therapy isn't working for me." It's the therapist- find a new one. Keep trying until you feel comfortable. It's absolutely KEY that you feel like you can talk about whatever you need to and that you feel like it's going to work. Because if your attitude isn't supporting you and you aren't getting what you need from your therapist, it's not going to get you the results you want or need.

Be consistent! So many people give up after a few sessions- like I did at first. After finding a good match and sticking with it, I made huge progress in my personal growth and life. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I committed to 12 sessions with my postpartum therapist and that I continued to reach out to her as needed. Although you could say it "didn't work" I am also grateful for the programs I completed with my husband to work on communication in our relationship, for the painful sessions we sat through together. Because they did amazing things for my emotional skill set and my relationship skills in general. I learned things that you simply cannot learn unless you are fighting desperately to fix a very broken relationship. In the end the "fixing" may not have happened, but the skills are something I will take with me FOREVER. In my job, in my friendships, and future intimate relationships.

Don't wait until you're desperate. This is exactly why I went back to therapy today. I'm not broken down into nothing, a pathetic pool of tears and pain. Consider it preventative maintenance.  Whatever the case, I want to make sure I stay as strong as I can. For myself, for my children. I want to move past this horrific situation I am in- move past it and move on. I don't want it invading my thoughts anymore. I'm ready to work though it and move forward. Maybe if I had followed these pieces of advice earlier in my life, I might have prevented further suffering and pain- I would have broken free sooner. I can't go back and change it, but I can apply these lessons I've learned to my future and perhaps sharing them with you will give you the insight you need in your life.


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Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog! 

I've decided to start fresh with my writing and refocus on what is happening in my life- and so I bring you the blog of: 

THE HAPPY SINGLE MOM 

That seems like an oxymoron, doesn't it? First of all you can't be single and happy/satisfied in life- you need to find the one! To be happy! 

Next, a single parent?! No way that's happy. You have a baby with someone who isn't in your life anymore or at best has a limited space as your child's other parent. For whatever host of unhappy reasons, you don't share a life with your offsprings biological parent. 

But worse yet... A woman! Making 77 cents to every dollar a man makes, living in a world that's severely lacking in support for motherhood... How can you possibly call yourself happy?! 

Well dear readers, that's exactly what I intend to write about on this blog. The difference between happiness and satisfaction, healing from divorce, healing from physical abuse, healing from spiritual abuse, the struggles (and successes) in parenting alone, the good, the bad, the ugly- but best of all- the beauty.